28.3.09

Where I Have Been....

I've been missing for awhile. And beware... the following story is sad and a little yucky (especially at the end).

In January I found out I was pregnant! We were so excited! We have been kinda trying for awhile (like 2 years) and test after test we found out that Pat's swimmers are great (he will be so happy I shared that!) but that I have a tilted uterus, which I guess is fairly common but makes it a little difficult to conceive, but also, that my left falopian tube is blocked. So, when I got a positive pregnancy test, I couldn't believe it! I thought for sure we were going to have to have some kind of medical intervention to get pregnant. It seemed too easy that we did it on our own!

Anyway, all of a sudden in about week 5, I was sicker than I have ever been. I had morning sickness SO BAD! I was so sick. So sick. All day. All night. Every single day. Even the drugs my doc prescribed didn't help. This went on and on and so in week 8 my doc had me get an ultrasound to make sure I wasn't carrying multiples especially since I had taken Clomid (a fertility drug) in October and November.

There was just one baby, but he ("he" for the sake of a pronoun) was only measuring 6 1/2 weeks instead of the 8 that he should have been and his heartbeat was 78 when it should have been 110-120ish. So, I was put on bed rest (not that that changed much. I usually couldn't get out of bed anyway) and told that I would possible miscarry. I was so scared.

During week 9, I had a follow-up ultrasound to see how my baby was doing. The poor tech who performed the ultra sound was so sweet, but she couldn't really tell me anything. One of our good friends is a radiologist and I had told him I was going in and asked if he would read the ultra sound right away, although I already had a good idea what the results were. I was sitting in my car bawling when he called and told me there was no more heartbeat and that the baby had not grown any during the week. He was so kind and empathetic telling me such hard news. I am so grateful to him for caring so much about me and my health.

My doctor called me the next day (it was a Wednesday) to talk about my options. We talked about waiting it out and letting the miscarriage happen naturally, taking some meds to help it along or getting a D&C. We decided to wait it out and then take the meds if necessary.

On Sunday I still had not started to bleed so my doctor had me come into his office and he put some pills up there that basically induced labor. Sorry, I don't remember what it was called... Later that night, after cramping and bleeding all afternoon and evening, I finally started to pass stuff. I cramped and bled for forever. It was really painful and just gross. I think I lost a lot of blood.

It wasn't until 3 days later (on a Wednesday which actually happened to be Pat's birthday. He teases me that on his birthday he was rubbing my back and not the other way around) I actually passed what I think was the baby. I started bleeding harder than I had during the previous few days and was cramping so bad. Pat was getting ready to take me into the ER when I went to the bathroom to change my enormous pad and clean up a bit when there was a loud plop in the toilet. I picked it up out of the toilet and it was covered in blood, but it was white underneath. And it had substance to it...it wasn't just a giant clot or anything. I touched it and showed Pat before the reality of what was happening actually hit me. I realized I was holding my baby (I think it was my baby...I'm no doctor, but I described what it was to my doctor and he agreed that it probably was) That is when I lost it and started freaking out... "What do I do with it? I can't just flush it!!" But I did. I didn't know what else to do. I wasn't in a good place. I was just bawling and I still feel so bad about it. What would you have done? Should I have buried it or something?

On our way to the ER I got a hold of my doctor and he told us to come into his office instead. At his office he used some kind of instrument and scraped out the rest of the clots trying to clean it out. Ouch. I didn't stop bleeding and cramping for 16 more days. I had my birthday during those few weeks. Yeah. I'm 27.

I have to say that I have the best doctor ever! He would call me almost daily to check up on me...he came into his office on a Sunday in his church clothes just for me...he gave me his cell number to contact him if I needed him. Anything I needed he was there. Love that guy!! He really cares and I appreciate him so much for that.

So, needless to say the last 3 months have been difficult and a little traumatic. So, if you saw me anywhere and I looked like a dirty orphan, now you know why:) I am finally starting to come out from underneath my cloud but still get sad and cry and feel the loss. We are going to try again once we get the ok from my doctor and hopefully it will happen sometime this year. It will happen when it is suppose to.

Maybe I'll pick back up on the blog. But, probably not.

25 comments:

[Stefanie] said...

I've been wondering where you were...but now I understand. I'm so, so sorry about everything...it's not anything anyone should have to go through. Melanie had the same experience with her second pregnancy and it was so hard to watch her go through. Thank goodness you have such a great husband and doctor to help you through it all!
I'm glad you are starting to feel a little better and just like you said...it WILL happen...it's just the waiting that's hard.
Just know I'm thinking of ya!

Clint, Brielle, and Molly J. said...

Carly, I am so sorry- I went through the same thing before I had MOlly, we had 3 miscarriages and it doenst get any easier for any of them I am so sorry to hear that that happened. I too had the pills placed up there and my water totally broke and I went into labor and I did the same thing with the "substance" part, I didnt know what else to do with it. So I know how you are feeling. Dont feel bad, it will all work our like you said. It will happen when it is suppose to it is just too bad it doesnt happen when we WANT it to. I am so sorry to hear about that and I hope you are starting to do better. It will take time so dont worry about it, take all the time you need. Love Ya

Linds said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ray & Jen said...

We sure love you guys the girls prayed for you every single night. Hope you're feeling better and if there is anything we can do please let us know.

ashlynn said...

Oh how I can relate Carly. I believe we even have the same dr. who I agree is awesome! Those meds for miscarrying are the worst thing ever - I am not kidding when I say the EXACT same thing happened to me 3 years ago. It is a traumatic thing to go through & I pray for you that things will turn around.

You will be so in love with your baby when it does come that you will forget this horrible time ... I promise. Going through these hard times really makes having a baby so much sweeter (not that I know what the other feels like). Take care.

Nic said...

I'm so sorry. I need to do something with you or for you instead of just thinking about you all the time, which for some reason I have been doing a lot of lately. Thinking of you!!!!

Babe said...

Just remember I love ya - Cari

The Malie's said...

Oh, Car, I'm so sorry! I've been thinking about you a lot lately, so I'm glad I have an update. Why didn't I just call, you ask? Because I suck at staying in touch. But I love you and am glad you are feeling better!!!

And I think it's ok that you flushed it . . . I wouldn't have known what to do, either!

Robyn said...

Carly I am so sorry! What a sad experience that I cant even begin to imagine. Good luck in conceiving, and dont worry, it will happen one way or another for you. Nowadays there are so many options.

I am amazed at how brave you are to post this to everyone, but I hope all your friends' love and support is helping your recovery.

Fashionably Kate said...

Dirty orphan... Pulease! You're always gorgeous. It was so good to see you the other day. I'm so sorry that you've had to go something so hard. I hope this is your year! :)

and
Come back and post when you feel the desire! We all miss you around here! ;)

mccall... said...

Sorry.

Kimberlee said...

Carly, know that we'll be thinking of you from a distance.
Love you.

bethi said...

im so so sorry!!! I hope things are better now... both physically and emotionally!!

beck said...

wow. i had no idea. and thank you for sharing that - that's kind of a lot for a blog, but thanks still. i bet it was so hard and still is to go through. you are so amazing and strong and happy. love you and will be sending good vibes your way. :)

Kelli Eudis said...

Carly, I am so sorry. I've heard miscarriages are so painful and rough! I hope it's better the second time around for you and Pat.

Shanel said...

As you probably know, you have been on my mind a lot. We are so overdue for a GNO {girls night out}. There is nothing better then a good laugh with the girls! I love you and hope everyday gets better.

hilla said...

Oh Carly! I am so sorry to hear that. Sounds like a terrifying experience. I hope you are feeling better soon. wish there was more to say or do. Love you.

Sydnee said...

LOve you girl!! Keep smiling!!

Fashionably Kate said...

p.s.s.. I totally neglected to say Happy Be-lated! 27! Crazy huh? I'll be 27 in November, and I'm looking forward to it either! sheesh.. :)

Alana said...

Carly! I am soo sorry. That sounds like such a living nightmare. No one should have to suffer that. I will be thinking of you lots!

Britany said...

Carly that totally stinks...I was crossing my fingers for you. Going through that is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. There isn't anything else to do but let it go down the toilet. It wouldn't change how you feel. I am sorry to say you will remember that day for the rest of your life (especially when you have been trying for so long). All I can say is keep going and hold onto Pat as much as possible. Talk to him to get you through this. I know birthdays are killers. I would just want to curl up and sleep right through each one.

Mindi said...

CARLY!!

i am so sorry! i just figured you weren't posting anymore, so when i cleaned out my reader a minute ago i took you out. i just happened to see if you had posted today and, voila! i am so sorry about your trauma.

i had a miscarriage between second and third child and it was hard, but nothing like what you are going thru. just know that we all love and support you.

i'm glad you are 'BACK'! i've missed you~

klarso32 said...

Carly!
I basically almost cried when i read this! I miss you so much at the restaurant and seeing your smiling face everyday! It will never be the same again without you there. I hate that you had to go through this but your so strong I know you will make it through. I can't wait for you to have many little babies! Love you :)

Mike and Janae said...

Carly, I'm Sorry. I couldn't imagine the sadness.

Crowther Clan said...

Carly oh my heck I am so sorry that you had to go through this:( This is crazy remember the talks we used to have at work about you & Pat?? I am so sorry. Rob from the hospital asked me a while back if I still talked to you & he asked if you had kids yet. I am so sad to hear this story. Well I hope everything gets better & don't worry it will happen. Hang in there.