2.9.09

Today on Today

Did you happen to watch The Today Show this morning? I rarely watch it, but for some reason I put it on while I was eating my cereal. I realize that I was suppose to watch it for the segment they did on miscarriage. I suffered my third miscarriage back in February/March at 9 weeks. My first two miscarriages, I learned later, are known as chemical pregnancies. Chemical miscarriages are indeed a conception and is actually a very early miscarriage. So while those two don't really count (they are not on my medical record) my most recent one does count. The whole experience was a nightmare that still gets to me every once in a while.

What I heard today helped me process more of my feelings of anger and guilt. I know in my brain it's not my fault, but I feel differntly in my heart. I know that it is for the best that I lost the baby while still in my first trimester, but my baby still died. I still had to deliver him. I still held him. I still lost him. And I still love him.

One thing that really hit home for me was the response I would get from others. People would say to me, "you are lucky you weren't very far along" or "at least you can get pregnant" or "you can always adopt." (Note: I have absolutely nothing against adoption, but I'm just not there yet..) And while I know all these things, the fact is there is no comfort in these words. The dream of being a mother and experiencing pregnancy and delivering a baby get pulverized with each loss. It's a hard subject to talk about sometimes and maybe even a little taboo, but I think there needs to be more awareness so we can all help one another during such a difficult and heartwrenching time.

On a different note, I got some test results back from some hormone testing I had done with a Natural Doctor and found out my progesterone is crazy low. Duh. Progesterone is totally important for pregnancy. Why my OB never checked that is beyond me. Knowing this gives me much hope and I am excited to see the results from the treatment:)

5 comments:

Alana said...

What a freaking ding dong doctor. He didn't check that? I bet that will help TONS! I hope it all works out Carly. You will be the best Mom!

Michelle M. said...

You will be such a good mom! I hope the progesterone helps! One of my good friends was on progesterone and just had her 2nd baby (she's had 3 miscarriages, too). She also took an aspirin everyday when she got prego. Apparently it can help w/ the pregnancy. Good luck!

Shanel said...

Yep, that would make a world of difference. I know a handful of people that can't get pregnant without the help of progesterone suppliments. Does this mean you are on the ever so horrible path of "trying?" I swear it is the most emotional rollercoaster for a women to be on. Well those of us that have to work at it! Good Luck, sista.

Mike and Janae said...

Oh great! I hope the natural Dr can help. I've been seeing one since february. Just be prepared that when you are on the Progesterone you may feel like a different person. I hate who I am on Progesterone(I'm moody and SUPER irritable!) and You'd think since its balancing you out that it'd be great. Of course its different with everyone. Best of luck!!!

hannah :: sherbet blossom said...

I too have been through some miscarriages. they are really hard!! I am so sorry that you have had to go through that.

hopefully the new treatments will help!