Today on Today

Did you happen to watch The Today Show this morning? I rarely watch it, but for some reason I put it on while I was eating my cereal. I realize that I was suppose to watch it for the segment they did on miscarriage. I suffered my third miscarriage back in February/March at 9 weeks. My first two miscarriages, I learned later, are known as chemical pregnancies. Chemical miscarriages are indeed a conception and is actually a very early miscarriage. So while those two don't really count (they are not on my medical record) my most recent one does count. The whole experience was a nightmare that still gets to me every once in a while.

What I heard today helped me process more of my feelings of anger and guilt. I know in my brain it's not my fault, but I feel differntly in my heart. I know that it is for the best that I lost the baby while still in my first trimester, but my baby still died. I still had to deliver him. I still held him. I still lost him. And I still love him.

One thing that really hit home for me was the response I would get from others. People would say to me, "you are lucky you weren't very far along" or "at least you can get pregnant" or "you can always adopt." (Note: I have absolutely nothing against adoption, but I'm just not there yet..) And while I know all these things, the fact is there is no comfort in these words. The dream of being a mother and experiencing pregnancy and delivering a baby get pulverized with each loss. It's a hard subject to talk about sometimes and maybe even a little taboo, but I think there needs to be more awareness so we can all help one another during such a difficult and heartwrenching time.

On a different note, I got some test results back from some hormone testing I had done with a Natural Doctor and found out my progesterone is crazy low. Duh. Progesterone is totally important for pregnancy. Why my OB never checked that is beyond me. Knowing this gives me much hope and I am excited to see the results from the treatment:)